DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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