We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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