i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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