So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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