who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
