i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
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At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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