Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
