i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
