She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Randomize
