Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
