New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
