Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
