We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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