YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
