remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
