I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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