I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
