Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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