Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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