I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
