I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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