I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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