i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
