So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i think i have two assholes
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
