onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
