Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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