It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
