The maid of honor just puked.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
