I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
