i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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