Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
the liver wants what the liver wants
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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