I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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