You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
