so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
