in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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