hell yes lets make some ravioli
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
