I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
