well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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