My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
