The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
