I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
