so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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