Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
