Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
