If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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