She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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