saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
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I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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