No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
