I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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