She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
