Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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