He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
