am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
