it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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