i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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