I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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