John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
